God Bless the Child of a Dysfunctional Family
4 November 2014
Although this post is a bit of a departure from the norm on my blog, recent circumstances and an increasing awareness of the prevalence of this wide-spread problem have prompted me to speak out.
When can a family be called dysfunctional?
According to this web-page in Psychology Encyclopedia: “A family whose interrelationships serve to detract from, rather than promote, the emotional and physical health and well-being of its members.”
A family can be considered dysfunctional if they are living with conditions that interfere with healthy family functioning. Most families do have some periods of time where functioning is impaired by stressful circumstances (death in the family, divorce, a parent’s serious illness, etc.). But, healthy families tend to return to normal functioning after any of these crisis pass. In dysfunctional families, however, problems tend to be chronic and children do not consistently get their emotional/mental or even physical needs met. Negative patterns of parental behavior tend to be dominant in their children’s lives and the children reflect this, often carried to an extreme.
How do healthy families function?
A powerful quote by psychologist Elvira Avetta Ph.d.: “Respect is the Holy Grail of functional families. All people in the family, brothers to sisters, mothers to fathers, parents to kids must be respectful as consistently as possible. Being considerate of each other is the tie that binds, even more than love. I think too much emphasis is put on love in general. I’ve heard of many atrocities done within families in the name of love but never in the name of respect. Just about all the things on the list come out of respect first.”
Healthy families are not perfect by any means; they may have occasional bouts of yelling, bickering, misunderstanding, tension, hurt, and anger; but only a fraction of the time they spend together. In healthy families emotional expression is allowed and accepted, even encouraged if there are no harmful intentions. Family members will freely ask for and give attention. Rules and expectations tend to be made explicit and remain consistent, but not entirely uncompromising or rigid allowing for some flexibility to adapt to individual needs and particular situations. Healthy families allow for individuality; each member is encouraged to pursue his or her own interests, and boundaries between individuals are honored.
- *Children are consistently treated with respect, and do not fear emotional, verbal, physical, or sexual abuse.
- *Parents can be counted on to provide sufficient care for their children. Children are given responsibilities appropriate to their age but are not expected to take on the weight of parental responsibilities.
- *Finally, in healthy families everyone makes mistakes; mistakes are allowed. Perfection is unattainable, unrealistic, and potentially dull and sterile.
Types of dysfunction
Kansas State University’s Counseling Services web-page claims: “There are many types of dysfunction in families. Some parents “under-function,” leaving their children to fend for themselves. Other parents “over-function;” never allowing their children to grow up and be on their own, or learn to accept responsibility for themselves and their actions. Other parents are inconsistent or violate basic boundaries of appropriate behavior.”
There are also many other influencing factors that may need to be considered, to many to cover here. Parents need to realize how greatly they affect their children’s behavior. Children are like sponges; they soak up everything a parent does and model or incorporate what they see into their own lives, sometime to the point of acting it out.
Children of Parents that are separated/divorcing/divorced…
When parents are separated or divorced there’s a new set of challenges for the child. It is extremely important that both parents are on the same page as far as setting the right examples for their child or children; in spite of their personal estrangement from each other. Negative examples will most likely be detrimental to a child’s development and more often than not will lead to bad behavior.
“In the best interest of the child” is the cornerstone of family law in most of North America. This basic principle (with very few exceptions) insists that children benefit from the continued involvement of both their mothers and fathers after separation or divorce. The problem is, there are parents no longer “together” that not only don’t have their children’s best interests at heart, but rather have an overwhelming urge to “get back” at their ex, or ex-to-be spouse; and sadly they’ll use their own children to do it. And they do this by demanding huge amounts of support (financial and otherwise), using the children as pawns, airing their complaints via social media, disparaging the “other”, and playing games with access to the child. Some go so far as to inflict damage through parental alienation or go the other extreme, parental abduction of the child/children; both of which are a type of vigilante justice.
What separating parents don’t seem to realize is there are very real consequences of dysfunctional divorce or separation that affects the mental, emotional, and developmental well-being and behavior of the child. Additionally; the effects of divorce trauma becomes more pronounced the longer the proceedings drag on. And to a small child, two, three or five years in their life is a huge percentage of time.
How does divorce/separation trauma affect children?
Penelope Leach, A leading parenting guru and author of the comprehensive international bestseller “Your Baby and Child” says: “Children are being used as weapons in the marital war when actually they are its victims.”
Children have been known to suffer a wide range of dysfunctional behaviors including aggressiveness, fighting, hostility, anxiety, depression, hyperactivity, loneliness, and self-esteem issues. In preschoolers these behaviors often lead to frequent illnesses, severe shyness, low self-esteem, hitting, biting, trouble in pre-school or daycare. Later on this can develop into to even more serious problems, such as stealing, lying, nightmares, eating problems, self-harm, bedwetting, poor school results, being ‘too perfect’, drug and/or alcohol abuse. If these patterns persist into adulthood, victims may find themselves crippled in their ability to have trusting, productive, relationships with family, friends or the community at large.
Parents can work together to resolve many of these issues. If disagreements and arguing among parents is done fairly and with maturity, a child can actually benefit from seeing how conflicts are peacefully resolved. Verbally aggressive, threatening, intimidating fights are extremely hard on developing children. They tend to blame themselves for their parents’ arguments and as a result may be traumatized for years to come. These children commonly develop low self-esteems and may even behave violently toward other children or adults. Dysfunctional families breed dysfunctional children that often repeat the behavior learned in their future relationships.
*Rae Indigo is ERYT500
Latest Blog Posts
- The True Goal of Yoga (Part 2): On or Off the Mat?
- Yoga – Is It a Religion? (Part 2)
- Yoga – Is It a Religion? (Part 1)
- Approaches to the True Goal of Yoga (Part 16)
- Approaches to the True Goal of Yoga (Part 15)
- Approaches to the True Goal of Yoga (Part 14)
- Approaches to the True Goal of Yoga (Part 13)
- Approaches to the True Goal of Yoga (Part 12)
- Approaches to the True Goal of Yoga (Part 11)
- Approaches to the True Goal of Yoga (Part 10)
- Approaches to the True Goal of Yoga (Part 9)
- Approaches to the True Goal of Yoga (Part 8)
- Approaches to the True Goal of Yoga (Part 7)
- Has Your Mind Made You Its Slave?
- Within Your Inherent Nature, Yoga Is Already Being Established
- Approaches to the True Goal of Yoga (Part 6)
- Approaches to the True Goal of Yoga (Part 5)
- Approaches to the True Goal of Yoga (Part 4)
- Approaches to the True Goal of Yoga (Part 3)
- Approaches to the True Goal of Yoga (Part 2)
- Approaches to the True Goal of Yoga (Part 1)
- Examples of Spiritually Empowered Women…
- Spiritually Empowered Women…
- Coping With Past Friends Who Have Turned Against You…
- The Kleshas (part 5 – Vijnanamaya kosha)…
- The Kleshas (part 4 – Manomaya kosha)…
- The Kleshas (part 3 – Pranamaya kosha)…
- The Kleshas (part 2 – Annamaya kosha)…
- The Kleshas (afflictions of the mind)
- Plant-Based Vs Animal-Based diets – What Does Science Say?
- Compassion in the Bhagavad Gita…
- Compassion and Yoga Are One
- Sympathy, Empathy & Compassion – Do You Know the Difference?
- How the Benefits of Yoga Transcend Conventional Exercise Regimes
- Yogis, Gurus & Spiritual Teachers – Spot the False Ones…
- Choosing a Qualified Yoga Teacher…
- Problems Athletes May Have on a Vegan Diet and Solutions…
- Athletes and Veganism (With / Video)…
- Yoga and Veganism…
- Transitioning from Vegetarian to Vegan…
- Are Plants Sentient Beings?
- Violence and Compassion in Veganism…
- The Spiritual Aspects of Veganism (Part 2)…
- The Spiritual Aspects of Veganism (Part 1)…
- Effects of a Plant-Based (Vegan) Diet on Mental/Emotional States…
- The Ethics of Veganism…
- Snacking – Vegan Style (W/Bonus Recipe)…
- Supporting Evidence for Vegans
- Dining Out – A Vegan guide…
- Vegan Baking – Without Dairy or Eggs (W/Bonus Recipe)
- Eliminating Dairy from Your Diet (W/Bonus Recipe)
- Vegan Nutrition – Addressing Your Concerns…
- Cauliflower – A Versatile Vegan Delight is In Season…
- Stocking Your Vegan Kitchen (A Basic List)
- Vegan Substitutes for Animal Products
- Veganism – Getting Started
- Sattva, Rajas & Tamas – The 3 Gunas
- Your Body’s pH – Is It Acid or Alkaline?
- Yoga and Muscle Conductivity
- Yoga and Diabetes
- How to Use Thoughts to Vibrate at a Higher Level
- How to Raise Your Thought Vibration
- How to Raise Your Personal Vibration
- The Effects of Spiritual Vibrations in the Home (Vastu Shastra)
- Yogic Techniques for Raising your Vibration and Expanding your Awareness
- “Vibrational Healing”
- Our Vibratory Patterns – What They Mean (pt. 3)
- Our Vibratory Patterns – What They Mean (pt. 2)
- Our Vibratory Patterns – What They Mean (pt. 1)
- The Kleshas (afflictions of the mind)
- Discovering Your Dharma (your true life path)
- God Bless the Child of a Dysfunctional Family
- How to Live Like a Yogi
- Yoga Should Be Fun Too!
- Choose Peace – Embrace Life
- Yoga – The Only Exercise You Need!
- Navigating the Roller Coaster of Life
- Adapt a Plant-Based Diet for Optimal Health
- Yoga Counteracts Stress & Anxiety
- Ayurveda – The Basics
- Finding Peace in Today’s World
- The Importance of the Breath in Yoga
- Listening to Your Heart
- Yoga Practice for Improved Lung Function
- How Well is Your Head and Heart Aligned?
- Is Ashtanga Yoga a Religion?
- Meditation on the “Feeling” of Being
- More About Vairagya (Non-Attachment)
- Abhyasa & Vairagya – the Two Pillars
- Yoga as Science
- Jnana or Bhakti – Which Are You?
- Five Ancient Yoga Secrets for the ULTIMATE Beauty Treatment
- Mindfulness: Benefits & Cultivation…
- Mindfulness – What’s the Buzz?
- Aids to Discovering Spiritual Truth
- The Teachings of Yoga (Part 18: Gaining Knowledge – Higher Truths, cont.)
- The Teachings of Yoga (Part 17: Gaining Knowledge – Higher Truths)
- The Teachings of Yoga (Part 16: Types of Engrossments, cont.)
- The Teachings of Yoga (Part 15: Types of Engrossments)
- The Teachings of Yoga (Part 14: After the Mind is Stable)
- The Teachings of Yoga (Part 13: Stabilizing/Clearing the Mind, cont.)
- The Teachings of Yoga (Part 12: Stabilizing/Clearing the Mind)
- The Teachings of Yoga (Part 11: Obstacles & Solutions)
- The Teachings of Yoga (Part 10: Samadhi Attained by Devotion, cont.)
- The Teachings of Yoga (Part 9: Samadhi Attained by Devotion)
- The Teachings of Yoga (Part 8: Effort & Commitment – Cont.)
- The Teachings of Yoga (Part 7: Effort & Commitment)
- The Teachings of Yoga (Part 6: Types of Concentration)
- The Teachings of Yoga (Part 5: Practice & Non-Attachment, cont.)
- The Teachings of Yoga (Part 4: Practice & Non-Attachment)
- Karma, Self-determination and Free Will
- The Teachings of Yoga (Part 3: Un-coloring Your Thoughts – Cont.)
- The Teachings of Yoga (Part 2: Un-coloring Your Thoughts)
- The Teachings of Yoga (Part 1 – Yoga Defined)
- Yoga Provides Relief for PTSD Sufferers
- Navarasa – the 9 Rasas or Emotional Essences
- Yoga, Sensitivity and Intention
- Using Bandhas to “Lock-In” Your Life-Force
- Yoga and a Grateful Heart
- Is It Important To Be “Spiritual?”
- Meditation – It’s Not What You Think!
- Looking for a Guru?
- Yoga, Ayurveda and Whole-Foods
- Yoga’s Perspective on Fear & Guilt
- Develop a Positive Attitude with Yoga
- Break the Stranglehold of Thought!
- The Siddhis – What Are They & How Should We View Them?
- The Problem of Thoughts & Yoga’s Solution
- Locating the Source of Stress & the Way of Yoga
- The Ego According to Yoga Philosophy
- Principles of Health and Natural Healing
- Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras and Advaita Vedanta
- The Wisdom of Patanjali
- Yoga, Love and “Connection”
- Common Household Toxins: Are They In Your Home?
- High Blood Pressure – Yoga Lowers the Numbers!
- Therapeutic Yoga Asana for Diabetics
- Chronic Fatigue Syndrome – Yoga Eases the Weariness
- Obstacles to Spiritual Awakening (Self-realization)
- Measuring Spiritual Growth
- Yoga Helps Manage IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome)
- Hatha or Ashtanga Yoga? A Beginning Student’s Dilemma
- Nooch – Excellent Source of B12 for Vegan’s and Vegetarians
- The Advantages of a Plant-Based Diet (Pt. 3)
- The Advantages of a Plant-Based Diet (Pt. 2)
- The Advantages of a Plant-Based Diet (Pt. 1)
- Brain Function – Yoga VS Aerobic Exercise…
- Practicing Self-Enquiry in Daily Life
- Are You Happy? If Not, Here’s Some Tips…
- Introduction to Blue-Green Algae (an overview)
- Summer – The Time for Healthy, Cleansing Foods
- Restorative Yoga Practice and Its Many Benefits
- Got Belly Fat? Yoga Asana Can Help!
- Overweight? Yoga is for You Too!
- Positive Thinking, the Power of Thoughts and Patanjali
- Improve Your Posture with Yoga
- Managing Sciatica With Yoga
- Want to Quit Smoking? Yoga Can Help!
- Yoga to Improve Breast Appearance
- The Main Traditional Indian Yogas
- Yoga, Aging and Bone Loss
- Managing Anxiety with Pratipaksha Bhavana
- Using Yoga to Deal With Those Persistent Samskaras
- The Importance of Meditation to Yoga Practice
- Meditation Proven to Decrease Stress and Reduce Inflammation
- The Awesome Benefits of a Yoga Retreat
- Start Your Day Right with “Wake-Up Yoga”
- Sanskrit Will Enrich Your Yoga Practice
- Relieve Allergy Symptoms with Yoga
- Could Yoga Practice Cause Your Skin to Break Out?
- Mala – Hindu Prayer Beads
- Core Strength and Its Importance
- Try These 12 Tips for a Healthier Life…
- Attention – It Can Prevent Injury During Yoga Practice
- The Importance of Attitude & Yoga Practice
- Diet, Hot Yoga and Your Skin…
- You Too Can Apply The Ultimate Beauty Treatment
- Yoga Asana to Balance Your Doshas
- The Meaning of Hand Mudras
- Yoga for Improved Eyesight (Video)
- The Importance of Balance in Yoga
- The Anti-Aging Benefits of Yoga
- Boost Your Immunity with Yoga Practice
- Addressing Common Yoga Injuries (Pt. 2 of 2)
- Addressing Common Yoga Injuries (Pt. 1 of 2)
- Yoga Asana, Emotions & Our Internal Organs…
- Jala Neti – De-mystified…(Video)
- The Basic Mechanisms of Yogic Breathing
- An Anatomical Analysis of Yogic Breathing
- Asana – Protect Your Joints with Proper Alignment
- Yoga – as a Solution for Sleep Disorders
- Homemade Vegan Facemasks
- The Ethical Standards of a Yoga Teacher
- Do the Yamas and Niyamas Support Veganism?
- Yoga & the 5 Kleshas
- Ayurveda & the Three Doshas
- Recovering from Antibiotic Use (or over-use?)…
- The Five Principles of Yoga…
- The Five Koshas (Part 5 – Anandamaya Kosha: bliss sheath)
- The Five Koshas (Part 4 – Vijnanamaya Kosha: wisdom sheath)
- The Five Koshas (Part 3 – Manomaya Kosha: mind sheath)
- The Five Koshas (Part 2 – Pranamaya: air sheath)
- The Five Koshas (Part 1- Annamaya: food sheath)
- The Five Koshas (Sheaths)
- The Five Niyamas (Part 5 – Ishvara Pranidhana)
- The Five Niyamas (Part 4 – Svadhyaya)
- The Five Niyamas (Part 3 – Tapas)
- The Five Niyamas (Part 2 – Samtosha)
- The Five Niyamas (Part 1 – Shaucha)
- The Five Yamas (Part 5 – Aparigraha)
- The Five Yamas (Part 4 – Brahmacharya)
- The Five Yamas (Part 3 – Asteya)
- The Five Yamas (Part 2 – Satya)
- The Five Yamas (Part 1 – Ahimsa)
- The Eight Limbs of Yoga (Part 8 – Samadhi)
- The Eight Limbs of Yoga (Part 7 – Dhyana, W/Video)
- The Eight Limbs of Yoga (Part 6 –Dharana)
- The Eight Limbs of Yoga (Part 5 –Pratyahara)
- The Eight Limbs of Yoga (Part 4 – Pranayama)
- The Eight Limbs of Yoga (Part 3 – Asana)
- The Eight Limbs of Yoga (Part 2 – Niyama)
- The Eight Limbs of Yoga (Part 1 – Yama)
- Patanjali’s Eightfold Path (the 8 Limbs of Yoga)
- 5 Positive Lifestyle Changes for the New Year (Part 5)
- 5 Positive Lifestyle Changes for the New Year (Part 4)
- 5 Positive Lifestyle Changes for the New Year (Part 3)
- 5 Positive Lifestyle Changes for the New Year (Part 2)
- 5 Positive Lifestyle Changes for the New Year (part 1)
- The Miracle of Oatmeal Water
- How Diabetics Respond to a Vegan/Plant-based Diet
- Whey Protein Supplements vs Plant-Based Proteins
- Yoga & Body Detoxification…
- Third Eye Meditation – Opening the 3rd Eye
- The Importance of the Feet & Pada Bandha in Yoga
- How Inflammatory is Your Diet?
- My Hero – Birke Baehr…
- Raw Vegan Holiday Salad Recipes
- Vegan Holiday Snack Recipes
- Vegan Holiday Dessert Recipes
- Healthy Holiday Indulgence
- Veganism & Yoga
- Non-GMOs after Prop 37 (Video)
- Health, Wellbeing & the “Little Known” Bindu Chakra
- Yogic Alignment – Body, Mind & Spirit
- Serious Health Threat – Autointoxication
- The Basics of Cleansing & Detoxification
- Are You Addicted to Food – Think Again
- Are You “Sold” on Organics?
- Ten-hut – Yoga & the Military
- Yoga and Depression
- Combating Fibromyalgia
- Welcome To New Rae Indigo Blog
Popular Blog Tags
Tags
Post Your Comments
You must be logged in to post a comment.